Sometimes
by BroodyGirl23
Summary: Sometimes she sits and wonders if they'll even still fit together.


**Sometimes**

_Sometimes she sits alone, staring down at a world and loved ones she barely recognizes anymore. _

_She still loves them, still is proud of them, but the more time that passes, the more she begins to ponder if they'll even fit together again when she can finally see them once more.  
_

_She wonders if she magically popped back into their lives, if they'd know where to place her. Being a non-scooby scooby sometimes had it's lonely moments, but they made it clear that she belonged from the moment they stood up against her father (something she had never fully been able to do alone) and every moment since._

_She needed them, then. Needed them always. And somehow, though she'd never have thought it, they ended up needing her too. She helped crack each case, fought beside them. Giles had turned to her for research, and debated myth with fact as they tried their best to seek answers. She helped keep the smile on Dawn's face, and protected the warmth in Dawn's heart. Even the slayer came to trust her as a friend, after spilling her darkest fears and secrets when Buffy couldn't keep them to herself anymore.  
_

_And of course there was Willow...  
_

_She became integral. And then she was gone.  
_

_And with many more reasons to distrust the world and the people in it, she wonders if that same close knit group would let her squeeze back in, if given the chance. She'd like to think they'd find a way, but so much has changed. She's been gone so long.  
_

_She reminds herself it doesn't matter. She won't be seeing them anytime soon.  
_

_-x-x-x-_

Sometimes she's not alone. Sometimes Anya sits, too, though her visits are less frequent.  


_Anya complains of the stupidity of the decisions the group sometimes makes. She belittles the human mind and how it works. She wonders how the two of them could be dead, but the rest of those idiots are still managing to survive.  
_

_Anya judges them. She curses Xander for his love life, claiming them all bimbos who wouldn't know the difference between a lei-ach or a fyarl demon, and that they'd probably end up somehow getting him killed.  
_

_They don't, but they don't last either. Xander has broken his fair share of hearts, and Tara wonders if he's unable to open himself up completely anymore.  
_

_She worries the same way for Willow, after all. She's broken plenty of hearts herself in the time since Tara has been gone. She'd be lying if it said it didn't hurt, if Kennedy didn't hurt and the handful of others since. But Willow should be happy. She deserves to be happy. She reminds Anya that Xander deserves to be happy, too. _

_"As long as they don't ever decide to be happy together," Anya declares one day._

_Laughing, Tara agrees. _

_-x-x-x-  
_

_Sometimes she looks down at the crater that was once her home, and feels as empty inside as it looks.  
_

_She didn't spend a lot of her life there, but she lived that part of her life more fully than she had ever lived before. Her home before, with her father and Donnie, had been so suffocating. Sunnydale had been a new breath of air, and a strong force then blew into her life and knocked down walls Tara hadn't known existed. She could breathe for the first time, and all she could smell was Willow.  
_

_Her home was gone, and Willow now so far out of her reach. She could no longer see the dorms where she ran into Willow the first time, running from the Gentlemen, holding hands and moving vending machines. She had no voice then, but she never really did, anyway. But they got their voices back, and Willow was there to listen. It was the first time she ever felt heard.  
_

_She could no longer see the bridge where they laughed and she sang and she could no longer see the bed in which they made love. She couldn't see the house they raised Dawn that summer when they became a family and raised the dead and destroyed everything, only to build it back up. Only to have it all taken away.  
_

_She could no longer see the trees that Willow strung up Warren. Could no longer see the Magic Box they once spent so much time, but that like so much else around her, Willow destroyed.  
_

_She could no longer see her own grave.  
_

_Sometimes she thinks she doesn't miss looking at Sunnydale at all.  
_

_-x-x-x-  
_

_Sometimes she's not strong. She cries and she gets angry and she wonders why it had to be her.  
_

_The years go by and it still hurts. The scars fade, but don't go away. Tara gets angry that Willow wasted time caring more about the magic than her. She gets angry that she left Willow when those were precious months and days and minutes and seconds they could have spent together before her time was up.  
_

_She curses Warren for shooting the gun. Curses Buffy for not stopping him. Curses the goddesses for not intervening. Curses her heart for not beating.  
_

_Sometimes she's lonely and she's supposed to be happy in this heaven dimension but sometimes she's not.  
_

_She thinks that Willow can feel her in these moments. It's not often, but sometimes Willow cries and gets angry over stolen time with her. She begs Tara for forgiveness, and begs her to just come back.  
_

_Tara calms herself then. She does what she can to feel Willow. To move like a breeze on Willow's cheek. Wrap around her like a hug. Both their eyes dry, then, and Tara can be strong.  
_

_Sometimes she's strong like an amazon.  
_

_-x-x-x-  
_

_Sometimes she sits and wonders if they'll even still fit together.  
_

_So much time has passed, and she's watched her friends grow into incredible things.  
_

_She's proud of what they've overcome, of that growth. She considers growth that she might have had if she had been able to stay.  
_

_Sometimes they still sit outside under the trees on a sunny day and talk about the old days. Times when the Hellmouth was their home, and it was still simpler then. Sometimes Buffy mentions something annoying Anya would do, and sometimes Xander will laugh about not understanding any of Tara's jokes. Sometimes Willow will smile and remember. Sometimes Tara will smile, too.  
_

_Sometimes it rains and when it rains it pours. The lights will go out, and Tara always hated the dark.  
_

_Sometimes alone in her room, Willow will light a candle. She'll run her fingers gently over the flame and remember how Tara liked an extra flamey one. She'll put the candle on the dresser next to her bed, and close her eyes and talk to Tara, distracting her from the lightning and the thunder and the dark, as if she's there. Just like she used to.  
_

_Tara listens, still. And Willow falls asleep and the candle eventually burns out. The morning will come and Willow will go about her day. And Tara will remember that she will always have a place in Willow's life. That she'll always fit._

_Willow grows old, and sometimes Tara is excited for the future. Because sometimes, almost always, she believes that her future is still Willow. _


End file.
